I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
