The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
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YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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