respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
God, I missed his penis.
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