If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
