I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
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I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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