"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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