New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
