oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
