Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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