i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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