We're like a lot better than the average bears
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
