There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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