After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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