Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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