My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
