I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Found the puke drawer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
