just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
