I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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