The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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