I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
