Just fell off a train. Bad.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
