as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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