while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
