i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
