mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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