Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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