MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
