R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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