My room smells like vodka and shame
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
