i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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