god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
