if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
