You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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