I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
