my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
