You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.