I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.