His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
