I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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