I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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