I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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