Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's always time for handjobs
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
