At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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