my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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