If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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