I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
