hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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