I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
