I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
