dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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