I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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