Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
