are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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