I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
